See Joan Run
by many things converge
Summary: See Joan run. Through her dreams and back through reality. Away from him and into another, brighter light. It's so bright here, but the shadows are so long. And now she understands. JoanRoger pairing. one-shot.


**A/N:** I kinda wanted Adam and Joan to get together in the beginning. But after seeing them together so much, it's occured to me that they don't really fit. They're more friends than anything, at least the way Joan's been acting. And tonights episode provided a really good way to segue into a different kind of relationship; something other than the illusion of true love that's been presented. Not that I have anything against the show (except that I didn't like how this ep. ended), I just want to present another option.

**Warning:** minor, very slight AU, angst

**Summary:** See Joan run. Through her dreams and back through reality. Away from him and into another, brighter light. It's so bright here, but the shadows are so long. And now she understands.

**See Joan Run**

_by HoldenHitHollywood_

She leans into him, feeling the heat from his lips. The candles make his face soft and the left side of his face glows, the other half bathed in blue shadows. She touches his skin, and he cups his hand over hers. Entwines their fingers. She breathes in. Suddenly it all comes rushing back at her. And she sees Adam's face in the glass behind Roger's head. Staring. Just staring. Her other hand comes inbetween their lips, preventing an oncoming kiss. She feels dirty all of a sudden, and doesn't like him for making her feel this way.

"You need to go home." She's not sure if she means it. And what she feels scares her; she can't help wanting him to stay. He backs up. His eyes reflect the light, blue and loving, and hurt. "This didn't happen." Her heart beats harder, telling her she can't deny it.

"Okay, Joan" he says, slowly picking up his jacket"I'm going home. But this _happened_." He says it like he really means it, and she knows he does. His eyes tell it all. And the soft glow of the candlelight plays accross his chest as he turns to leave. She wants to reach out, take his hand, hold him there. She doesn't want the moment to be over, but it's too late, and her throat is too dry to speak.

She touches the doorway, and looks into the room. Adam is there, smiling. She used to look forward to that smile, but now it only makes her feel sick. Because she doesn't deserve it. She smiles weakly back, and walks into the room. Stevie walks out from behind him, and Joan's smile falters. She says something about "thanks for the talk" and for a moment Joan is jealous again, even though she knows she has no right to be. It's hard letting go of old feelings. But in order to make room for new ones...

"Talk" It comes out harsh, and she flinches inwardly at a flash of a memory of lips on lips.

"Yeah..."

When she finds out that Stevie is practically _in love_ with Freidman, she feels better, and at the same time a little worse. She can't help but notice the irony of the whole situation. She gets jealous, thinks she's losing him to Stevie, and then she kisses Roger. And it turns out he's been losing _her_ this whole time. And when she tells him, she can't look at his face. He made that beautiful piece of artwork for her, and here she was tearing it down. Tearing _him_ down. Again.

"You... you **kissed** **_Roger_**" He sounds more unbelieving than anything else. She reaches out to lay a hand on his shoulder, but he steps away from her, shaking his head. She says some more things. More things that don't mean anything. But his silence stops her.

"You don't... you're not in love with me, are you"

The question hangs there, silent, unanswered. The air surrounding her becomes thick and heavy, suffocating her. If she doesn't get out, she'll drown.

"I'm sorry, Adam." The words break the fog and hit Adam hard. He bends over as though he is physically in pain. And Joan feel almost the same. She did love him once, and she cares for him now. But she's ruined it, and she can't help but berate herself. God said love lets logic sleep, otherwise you'd never take the risk. And she understands now; this is the risk. Things won't always turn out the way you want. People choose each other all the time.

"Go, please." She doesn't even hear him say it, because she's already running out the door. It's raining again tonight, hard drops falling from the dark blue sky, and she feels every single one of them. It feels like the fabric of her world is unraveling. And she keeps running, not knowing where she's going. She stops in front of the bookstore, dripping wet and her tears mixing with the rain on her cheeks. She touches her lips, and sees the candlelight on his face, and the shadows. It happened. It _happened_. She knows where she wants to go, so she stands and waits for the bus. She may be upset, but she's not crazy enough to run accross town in the pouring rain. Not yet, anyway. she has a feeling she'll get there soon.

She gets off the bus, still mostly wet, and getting wetter by the second. The downpour hasn't stopped in the twenty minutes it's taken to get to his street. And she walks this time; she's too tired to run anymore. As she looks at the houses she passes by, she thinks about her daydreams. How the last one went, and how she still feels her heart beat faster whenever she thinks about Roger. Even though her mind has tried to tell her it's a bad idea, her heart just won't listen. And now her mind's given in too. She thinks about the life she had all planned out for them, and realises now how ridiculous it was. How ridiculous it _is_ to think that you can just manipulate life like that. And by now she's at his building. She steps inside, and looks at the mailboxes, finds his last name. Apartment 4b. She makes her way to his door. Her hand moves slowly toward the puke green door, then back again. Her face crumples for just a moment, and she knocks lightly at first, but then heavily. The door opens.

"Joan" Her face crumples as it did a moment ago. "Joan, what's wrong" His voice is deep and so full of concern, and she can't help but fall into his embrace. She sobs into his shirt as he holds her there in the doorway. After a moment, he pulls her into the room. She's still crying, but it's funny, the things you notice when it seems things are at their worst. His place is comfy. The tans and greens compliment each other without really trying, and the light mess of the general area makes her feel safe. He leads her to the couch, and touches her face, holds her delicately in his hands. Like she might break. Like she's already broken.

"Adam and I broke up." Her tears are slowly waning; she just doesn't have any more left to give. The look in his eyes is at once sad and hopeful. She gets angry for a moment because he's not as hurt by this as she is. "Because of you... 'cause we..."

"Because it happened." It's not a question.

"Because it happened." It's not an answer.

"I'm sorry Joan." She raises an eyebrow. And he silently marvels at how she can be sarcastic when she's this upset. His hands move down to hold hers in her lap. "I mean it Joan. I-I never meant to hurt anybody. Especially you." He looks at her, thumbs gently massaging her palms.

"Yeah, well, Adam didn't deserve it either..." She looks away.

"No, he didn't. And I'm sorry for that too." He's looking down at their hands, the soft glow of the lamp behind the couch reminding him of candlelight and a kiss that seems like it happened so long ago.

"Ya know..." Joan says, smiling slightly, and wondering how she can feel so... okay... after all that's happened, "a friend of mine once said _'Love lets logic sleep, otherwise we'd never take the risk.'_ And I never really got it until now... It hurts, Roger. A lot." Her smile is sad, and something inside him feels full to overflowing. He leans in slowly, and kisses her lightly on the lips. And the thing inside him bursts. And she kisses him back.


End file.
